School Records Confirm: Biden did not learn to speak until age 8

In what might be the most damaging revelation in the 44 month life of the Obama Administration, Archmere Academy of Claymont Delaware, the grade school Alma Mater of the POTUS’s sometimes out-of-sorts second-in-command, accidentally made public a collection of 6 decade-old psychological evaluations indicating that the Vice President did not learn to speak until he was 8 years old.

joe biden

The file, sealed in 1951, revealed that the otherwise healthy student was not able to master complex sentence patterns until 6 years after the average American child living contemporaneously with Biden passed the same developmental milestone.

Since the story first broke in late July, the scientific community has been in a frenzy formulating a case study of nation’s second most high-profile leader.

“It’s not that he couldn’t pronounce the words,” explained Dr. Keith U. Smegelsky, Department Head of George Washington University’s Coretree Center for Child Development Research. “He had all of the physical and fine-motor capabilities he needed to form sounds and words. His pathology, one I’ve never encountered in my 27 years of study in this field, was that he could not combine words into any thing resembling coherent thoughts.”

The file, which was discovered unexpectedly during a late-night fire at the Wilmington, DE document storage facility where it’s been kept for the last 20 years, also contained within it writing examples from the future politician’s English Essay class.

“It’s really fascinating,” Dr. Smegelsky remarked after having a chance to review young Biden’s 2nd grade writing samples. “Everything was on the right track in terms of coordination and control. His handwriting was actually among the best in the class. It was simply that his sentences, if they can even be called sentences, made no sense at all. Grammar didn’t even enter the picture. There was no pattern or consistency to any of it. As far as I can tell, the boy was a perfect random word generator.”

Asked to give an example of the Vice President’s work, Dr. Smegelsky recited:  “Man sky it heck Mr. Bellows that’s maroon coaster New York zaza rally.”

“And it just goes on and on and one. For pages. Rarely repeating a word.”

But as school officials examined the file more closely, that was only just the beginning of Biden’s saga.

When Joe Robinette Biden Jr. finally did learn how to speak, it was in a way unlike anything exhibited by normal children.

“That was the part which really blew me away,” Dr. Smegelsky continued. “In 1952, the year this file was sealed away, they him introduced to this brilliant tutor. A man by the name of Dr. Lance Magoon. He’d worked with kids suffering from more common mental and developmental disorders. In about a year, after trying all the methods he normally used on what were sometimes severely disabled children, he figured out a way to teach Joe Biden to speak.”

And he used the most incredible method to do so, as Dr. Smegelsky goes on to say: “He’d reached a dead end trying to teach Joe how to use words like Lego pieces; to form an infinite combination of thoughts. Instead, he taught him entire sentences… Entire thoughts, all at a single time. Joe’s motor skills were well developed, so he could sound-out long strings of syllables without making a mistake. Writing wasn’t a problem either, as his recall was fairly impressive. So once that was figured out, it was just a matter of teaching him all the sentences he would need to get by in life.”

By the time he graduated in 1961, Joe had mastered over 900 sentences, each one either selected from literature, or hand-crafted by his Dr. Magoon based on their brevity, usefulness, and commonality.

For more than 6 decades, this information stayed buried in the school’s permanent files, which were kept in storage on-site at the Claymont campus until the early 90s, when they were moved into a warehouse in nearby Wilmington.

The fame, or perhaps infamy of this file, is only starting to grow.

Since news of the discovery spread, a number of more recent psychological analyses have surfaced online, adding depth and modern perspective to what was once a Biden family secret.

One such report, published online by the National Institutes of Health’s Forensic Psychology branch, stated that based on current public speaking engagements, Biden’s entire effect on the Obama Administration, in terms of public perception and support, could be simulated with an inventory of no more than 350 phrases or sentences.

The report, Super Nullis Verbis: Case 1, was compiled after studying more than 50 hours of Biden’s public appearances over the last 15 years, and claims that the Vice President’s master of selecting appropriate phrases and sentences has been decreasing steadily over the last 3 years, probably from the added stresses of his position.

To this day, the report concludes, it is unclear whether Biden has any concept at all of the meaning of what he says.

Perhaps most eye-brow raising of all, however, was that the study was the product of more than 2 years worth of work, long predating the discovery of the documents which took the story public in July.

Several other, privately-funded reports have also been getting traction online as specialists in every field from speech therapy to neurology to abnormal psychology have rushed in to make their own conclusions in light of the news.

White House sources have yet to make any comments on this matter.

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