At the age of 17, it looks like pop-music internet sensation Justin Bieber has officially moved from making music history, to changing the face of our legal system.
In responding to claims of paternity from an as-of-yet unnamed mother of a 3 month old infant, Bieber’s legal team is about to pull off a first in American jurisprudence by mounting what even the plaintiff’s attorney has referred to as a “perfect defense”.
“It’s really got most of us baffled. We didn’t think something like this was possible, but given the totality of the circumstances, I think that Justin’s not only owed an immediate dismissal, but an apology and probably an award of damages as well,” stated Director of Harvard Law School’s Transgender Law Department, Harold Myzensperm. “In my 40 years of practice and teaching, I’ve never seen such an overwhelming defensive strategy.”
So what’s behind Bieber’s secret weapon in the courtroom?
Well, a lot of science, for one. After three days of around-the-clock investigation by a team of specialists – including several medical doctors and a number of unnamed members of an LAPD forensic sex-crimes unit who volunteered their time – an irrefutable conclusion was delivered to the head of Bieber’s defense, Peter Malachlenik.
“Basically, given the nature of human anatomy, there are things which are possible, and there are things which are not possible. An average man can jump over a barrel, a fit man can climb 50 feet up rope, an exceptional man can run a mile in 4 minutes. Based on the conclusions of a diverse and objective panel of investigators, for the plaintiff’s accusations to be true, my client – the man in question in this case – would have to be able to leap over a two-story house while bear-hugging three one-gallon jugs of water… Simply impossible.”
A subsequent skype-interview with review panel head and Johns Hopkins School of Fertility studies Chairman, Dr. Ralph Kekenspet, provided a more-in depth look at just how this strange yet formidable defense theory unraveled.
“What do you want me to say, the kid’s got a tiny pecker… Frankly, I don’t know what all the legal-types are even bothering with. As soon as I saw it I knew right away… With plumbing like that, there’s just no way on god’s green earth that you can impregnate a woman. Not a grown one anyway.”
“The plain fact is that it takes at least 39 millimeters of erectile tissue just to get into the fold, so to speak,” Dr. Kekenspet elaborated. “To anybody living in the US, that’s about 1 and a half inches. Any less and you’re basically ‘shootin’ short of the gastank’, as we say in the industry.”
Although the actual margin of shortfall was not released pending a hearing on Bieber’s motion to dismiss the claims, Bieber’s lawyers went on record as saying: “It was nowhere near close to the absolute minimum… not even in the right ballpark. But even if I could release the official figures at this time it’s really really hard to quantify the injustice of these accusations. We expect the official stage of this case to be wrapped up within a few days, but the emotional toll my client has suffered will go on for a long time yet.”
Stunned, plaintiff’s attorney Lambert Riechstag provided no official response to any of these statements, except to say that the matter will be discussed with their client. However, in an off-the-record tweet, an associate from the plaintiff’s legal team did say that this was as close to a ‘perfect defense’ as anybody had seen.
The plaintiff remains anonymous and silent on the matter.
As of yet, no official statement has been issued directly by Bieber or any of his entertainment industry representatives. If this story follows the typical pattern of highly-intrusive celebrity sex scandals, it is likely to remain this way.