World wide in 2004 approximately 2.5 billion cases of diarrhea occurred which resulted in 1.5 million deaths.
In what might be the most damaging revelation in the 44 month life of the Obama Administration, Archmere Academy of Claymont Delaware, the grade school Alma Mater of the POTUS’s sometimes out-of-sorts second-in-command, accidentally made public a collection of 6 decade-old psychological evaluations indicating that the Vice President did not learn to speak until he was 8 years old.
The file, sealed in 1951, revealed that the otherwise healthy student was not able to master complex sentence patterns until 6 years after the average American child living contemporaneously with Biden passed the same developmental milestone.
Since the story first broke in late July, the scientific community has been in a frenzy formulating a case study of nation’s second most high-profile leader.
“It’s not that he couldn’t pronounce the words,” explained Dr. Keith U. Smegelsky, Department Head of George Washington University’s Coretree Center for Child Development Research. “He had all of the physical and fine-motor capabilities he needed to form sounds and words. His pathology, one I’ve never encountered in my 27 years of study in this field, was that he could not combine words into any thing resembling coherent thoughts.”
The file, which was discovered unexpectedly during a late-night fire at the Wilmington, DE document storage facility where it’s been kept for the last 20 years, also contained within it writing examples from the future politician’s English Essay class.
“It’s really fascinating,” Dr. Smegelsky remarked after having a chance to review young Biden’s 2nd grade writing samples. “Everything was on the right track in terms of coordination and control. His handwriting was actually among the best in the class. It was simply that his sentences, if they can even be called sentences, made no sense at all. Grammar didn’t even enter the picture. There was no pattern or consistency to any of it. As far as I can tell, the boy was a perfect random word generator.”
Asked to give an example of the Vice President’s work, Dr. Smegelsky recited: “Man sky it heck Mr. Bellows that’s maroon coaster New York zaza rally.”
“And it just goes on and on and one. For pages. Rarely repeating a word.”
But as school officials examined the file more closely, that was only just the beginning of Biden’s saga.
When Joe Robinette Biden Jr. finally did learn how to speak, it was in a way unlike anything exhibited by normal children.
“That was the part which really blew me away,” Dr. Smegelsky continued. “In 1952, the year this file was sealed away, they him introduced to this brilliant tutor. A man by the name of Dr. Lance Magoon. He’d worked with kids suffering from more common mental and developmental disorders. In about a year, after trying all the methods he normally used on what were sometimes severely disabled children, he figured out a way to teach Joe Biden to speak.”
And he used the most incredible method to do so, as Dr. Smegelsky goes on to say: “He’d reached a dead end trying to teach Joe how to use words like Lego pieces; to form an infinite combination of thoughts. Instead, he taught him entire sentences… Entire thoughts, all at a single time. Joe’s motor skills were well developed, so he could sound-out long strings of syllables without making a mistake. Writing wasn’t a problem either, as his recall was fairly impressive. So once that was figured out, it was just a matter of teaching him all the sentences he would need to get by in life.”
By the time he graduated in 1961, Joe had mastered over 900 sentences, each one either selected from literature, or hand-crafted by his Dr. Magoon based on their brevity, usefulness, and commonality.
For more than 6 decades, this information stayed buried in the school’s permanent files, which were kept in storage on-site at the Claymont campus until the early 90s, when they were moved into a warehouse in nearby Wilmington.
The fame, or perhaps infamy of this file, is only starting to grow.
One such report, published online by the National Institutes of Health’s Forensic Psychology branch, stated that based on current public speaking engagements, Biden’s entire effect on the Obama Administration, in terms of public perception and support, could be simulated with an inventory of no more than 350 phrases or sentences.
The report, Super Nullis Verbis: Case 1, was compiled after studying more than 50 hours of Biden’s public appearances over the last 15 years, and claims that the Vice President’s master of selecting appropriate phrases and sentences has been decreasing steadily over the last 3 years, probably from the added stresses of his position.
To this day, the report concludes, it is unclear whether Biden has any concept at all of the meaning of what he says.
Perhaps most eye-brow raising of all, however, was that the study was the product of more than 2 years worth of work, long predating the discovery of the documents which took the story public in July.
Several other, privately-funded reports have also been getting traction online as specialists in every field from speech therapy to neurology to abnormal psychology have rushed in to make their own conclusions in light of the news.
White House sources have yet to make any comments on this matter.
This will be – without a doubt – the most ridiculous thing you have seen today.
The second person is… special.
I caught this crazy video on DailyMail today…
This video shows the shocking moment a man was hit by a car on a Russian highway.
The man was moving around beside his own vehicle on the three-lane road, when the incident happened.
At first it looks like it might be fake, but after viewing it a few times, I don’t think it is.
According to brrrtmn, the LiveLeak user who posted the video, the man survived his ordeal with nothing more than a broken leg.
Coming out of that with a broken leg is not so bad…
Vinny Cerrato just announced that Terrell Suggs – T Sizzle himself has torn his Achilles tendon and will be out of a year.
Time for Paul Kruger and the new draft pick Courtney Upshaw to step up in a big way…
Snoop tells a story about getting roofied at the Playboy Mansion…
Young men will see a picture of a woman with a nice ass, but only the most observant of them will notice that she is crossing a street. The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.
To older men, she appears to be a woman with a nice ass, probably on her way to work.
Perverts will imagine her naked.
Wiser men will credit the presence of mind of the photographer to have taken the photo, and be grateful that he shared it with them.
Half of the women will think that this is an ordinary woman, who should not have left home dressed like that. The other half will think she is pretty slutty, but will also wonder where she bought the blouse.
Older women will imagine the misery that the woman’s ass will cause her when she is 50.
But only children, the extremely intelligent and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.
Executives at NBC’s satellite cable Channel, Bravo, are engaged in fierce debates over how their hit reality TV cooking competition show, Top Chef, will implement a highly unorthodox, and potentially offensive new variable for their tenth season – sources reported over the weekend.
“In a time when cooking shows, and especially, reality cooking shows are a dime a dozen, this is a breakthrough we’ve been waiting for,” remarked Andrea Reichswarner, Vice President at NY-based Bravo TV. “For more than a decade, foodie shows have been focusing on what it takes to prepare food, and the experience of how it tastes. In my opinion, considering the other, less discussed aspects of food have been left sorely overlooked.”
In this case, the ‘less discussed aspects of food’ have little to do with working in the kitchen, or sitting in the dining room…
“Food goes into our bodies, and we enjoy it. It also leaves our bodies, and let’s face it, we enjoy that as well.” Added President of online marketing, Phyllis S. Hybertrauff.
“After months of researching this question in everything from intensive focus group sessions to wide-spectrum online polls, we know it’s time to add this new angle to our flagship gourmet cooking competition.”
Although executives at Bravo’s Rockefeller Center offices were mum on the exact details of how the show’s infamously candid system of judging will be affected by the new variable, officially dubbed: ‘intestinal payoff”, speculation was available from sources at the Travel Channel, which has been shopping this very idea for no less than the last year.
“If they use anything like the approach we were planning to use for Anthony Bourdain’s proposed new travel show, ‘The World is My Toilet‘, or Andrew Zimmern’s upcoming vehicle, ‘Best Seat in the House‘, post bowel-movement interviews will be inter-spliced with scenes of eating and cooking, turning the whole experience into a single, seamless tapestry of tastes, sensations, and impressions,” said Travel Channel Producer, Ralph Richardezo. “Judging the bowel movements will probably involve considering the duration, consistency, ease of flow, and of course, odor.”
“We think that the dishes rated highest in this category will not just evacuate themselves, but compel a general intestinal cleansing as well,” added Richardezo. “Chefs should aim not just to feed people, but leave them with a feeling of inner balance as well.”
For the household names involved with this show, however, the addition of this new angle isn’t just a logical step for a food show, but something deeply personal.
“My family comes from India,” said Top Chef’s Co-Host, Padma Kakshmi, “so you know that bowel movements are an integral and often-discussed part of our home life. It’s a real shame that toilet-life is such a touchy subject for Western audiences, and I commend our production team for finally stepping up to the plate and thinking outside the box.”
Not ever, however, agrees.
“Frankly, I don’t understand the need for it,” wrote Adam Richman, host of the Travel Channel’s Man Versus Food. “Have you ever tried going to the bathroom the day after eating half a dozen Habaneros? Half the food I eat feels horrible coming out. Doesn’t mean it’s bad food, just means that the experience is all in the eating. If I cared about how it came out, I’d be on a diet of oatmeal, yogurt and branflakes.”
Executives at Bravo’s parent network, NBC, still have several months before season 10 starts filming to decide exactly how this new angle will be rolled out to Bravo’s historically liberal and open-minded market.
“Season 9 will be the last season to follow the old blueprint,” Richardezo said in parting. “But don’t be surprised if you start seeing Tom or Padma dropping hints regarding the new ‘intestinal payoff’ variable. It’s sure to get the presses rolling.”
Whether this new trend in food TV sticks around, only time will tell.